


Alistair and Cullen play Bloodborn 2

by Ophiel



Series: Random Drabbles in the Modern World [1]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Explicit Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 09:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5660563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ophiel/pseuds/Ophiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because fuck this game, it's insane.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alistair and Cullen play Bloodborn 2

“We’re leaving,” Solona called from the doorway as she and Evelyn slipped on her heels by the door to the apartment. Cullen came to the door, rolling up the sleeves of his sweater, his hair in disarray. It was a night in, after all. No need for product. “Thanks for babysitting, Cullen,” Solona grinned at him. **  
**

“No kidding,” Cullen sighed as something tumbled down loudly in the kitchen. “It’s fine!” Alistair quickly shouted from within.

Evelyn chuckled. “Breathe, love, it’s just a pan.” She tiptoed to kiss him on the cheek. She was much shorter than he was, standing half a head smaller than even Solona.

Cullen shook his head. “Alistair, they’re leaving!” he called back.

Alistair came out of the kitchen, holding a pan. He jogged over and swept Solona up with one arm, kissing her. “Enjoy your movie,” he grinned at her.

Solona burst out laughing. “Don’t make yourself a bother,” she warned.

“Perish the thought! I’m making him lasagne and everything!”

“You don’t need a pan for lasagne…” Cullen pointed out.

Evelyn grinned at Cullen. “Play nice, you two.”

“I’m always nice!” Cullen protested as they left.

“I don’t know why they want to watch some weird Harry Potter spin off,” Alistair said as Cullen shut the door.

Cullen stared at him, his hand on the door knob. “They’re watching Magic Mike!”

“Yeah.”

Silence bloomed between them. “Alistair, it’s about male strippers!”

More silence.

“Oh!” Alistair beamed. “That’s why she didn’t want me to go!”

“Yes.”

“Because, you know, I’m better at it than any of those guys. Want some tips?”

Cullen laughed. “Tips? I don’t need tips.”

“True, it’s the girth that matters.”

“Oh god.” Cullen couldn’t help but grin. “That … depends. Look, we’re not standing here discussing dicks. Are you seriously going to make lasagna?”

Alistair raised an eyebrow. “You think of lasagne after discussing dicks?”

“Don’t you even THINK about making a cheese pun!” Cullen held up his finger in warning. “Just put that away and let’s order in. Chinese or something.”

“I saw you have beer in the fridge,” Alistair waved his pan as he returned to the kitchen. “You tried to hide it behind the salad. You’re so cheap.”

“You’re the one who comes over without bringing your own booze,” Cullen said, heading to the living room. He sat on the couch and picked up his controller, turning on the PS4. “Evie got that new Bloodborn 2 game.”

“Sweet! It’s about time!” Alistair said. He emerged from the kitchen with two beers and his phone in his hand. “I’m ordering. Since, you know, you’re bitching about the beers.” He tossed one can to Cullen, who caught it.

“My gratitude is eternal,” Cullen said as he opened the can and took a sip. He set the can on a coaster.

Alistair plopped himself down on the couch next to Cullen and set his beer down on the tabletop, his eyes down on the phone. He ignored Cullen’s tsk of annoyance as the man set a coaster under the can.

“Do you know my address?” Cullen asked.

“Of course I don’t,” Alistair said breezily and set away the phone. “Done. It should be coming soon. Want to call Garret in?”

“I think it’s date night for him,” Cullen said, leaning back with the controller in his hands.

“Have you even played this before?” Alistair asked curiously as he opened his beer and took a sip.

“Of course not,” Cullen replied. “Evie’s on this all the time. But it has two players on the same screen. I think.”

Alistair leaned his elbows on his knees. “New character then.”

“Yeah.”

They sat in silence, their eyes on the screen as they created their characters. “Your guy looks like Count Chocula,” Cullen said.

“Yours looks like if Ron Swanson and Ron Jeremy had a love child. I’m going to call him Jeremy Swanson.”

Cullen snorted. “Ass.”

“Butt.”

“This isn’t plastic surgery, just– what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m making Muscle Kawaii-Chan!”

“What the fuck–”

“It’ll be a thing of beauty. You never played this before?”

“No, how hard can it be, right? Evie swears a lot at this game though…”

“Oh, honey child…”

The opening cinematic began. “…Yarhman is the home of blood ministration…”

“Blood menstruation.”

Cullen hit Alistair on the shoulder for that joke. “What the hell?” Cullen exclaimed as the cinematic ended abruptly.

“Accident!”

“Damn it, Alistair!”

“Accident! Look you can move around.” Alistair’s Muscle Kawaii-Chan ran in circles around Cullen’s character. They ran about for a bit, running into walls and rolling across the ground like idiots.

“Why do I get the feeling this is what we’d be like if we were really in a game?” Alistair said.

“Please, I’d be awesome in game. The ultimate dude all the girls squee about.”

“Don’t kid yourself. I’d have more fangirls.” Alistair moved his absurdly huge muscle character with huge purple eyes to Cullen’s avatar with the epic moustache. “Look see? This game has romance options. My dude is kissing Jeremy. Slash-fic!!”

Cullen laughed and hit a button. Jeremy punched Muscle Kawaii-chan in the stomach.

“Fuck!” Alistair laughed. They spent the next while hitting each other in the game. “What the hell are we doing?” Alistair exclaimed as their avatars started to roll down the stairs.

“I don’t know. We haven’t even had one can of beer yet,” Cullen laughed. “Okay, be serious, where are we supposed to go?”

“Okay so the next part is like, solo.” Alistair took a long swig of beer.

“Bullshit,” Cullen said.

“No, really, you go into this room there and hit a switch.”

“That still sounds like trolling bullshit. I know you, Therin.”

“Just go into the damn room! Stop being a wuss, Rutherfart.”

Cullen’s avatar ran into the room. “I don’t think we can split that far, you have to follow me,” he said, his eyes on the screen as Muscle ran after Jeremy. The enormous wolf burst from the floor with the heart-stopping thunder of breaking wood. Cullen shrieked and managed to roll Jeremy out of the way in time.

“Fuck you!” he shouted at Alistair, who was laughing and running Muscle off in the other direction. Cullen was gaping at the screen, startled. “Damn it! Oh god!” Jeremy got hit hard. “How did you get weapons?” Muscle ran up with a sword and began to attack the wolf.

“You equip them!” Muscle was striking the wolf down with what looked like

“How?!”

“R3 to cycle them!”

“You didn’t tell me that before!” The battle raged on screen. Jeremy stood to one side, weapons cycling in his hands. Cullen took a leisurely long sip of beer.

“Weren’t you the guy who all the girls squee over or something? Hurry up and fight,” Alistair said. “Oh shit - I forgot this thing has a sword. Argh!! It hurts! I’m dying! Hurry up!!”

“No, you know what? I think I’m just going to stand here.”

“Damn it, Cullen… get your ass in here!”

“No.”

Muscle tried to flee. “No! I’m dying, no!”

Cullen started to laugh as Muscle ran behind Jeremy who took a heavy hit. “Ouch! Oh god!” Cullen exclaimed. He tried to attack, his strikes were like tickles for all it registered on the beast.

“HAH!” Alistair gloated. “Finally - hit it!”

“It’s like spitting peas!”

“Cull, this thing is killing us!”

“Your fault!”

“Fight like a man!”

“Damn it, Alistair, you dick cheese!”

“Fart-head!”

“Douchebag!”

“Ass-monkey! Okay, I’m dead.”

“Fuck!”

“Run, Jeremy! Run!”

“This game is insane!”

“RUN!”

The screen turned red.

“Fuck!” Cullen said. “Now I know why Evie screams at this crap.”

“You suck, Cullen.” Alistair was grinning, trying not to laugh.

“I don’t want to be your friend right now, Alistair.”

“Awe, come on,” Alistair laughed, turning red in the face.

“No! I’m not talking to you! You got me killed!”

Alistair just burst out laughing. “You’re laughing while you’re saying it so I know you still love me. BroFFs!”

“Argh… I hate you! Why do I listen to you?”

“Restart?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, you know, could be worse.”

“How?”

“We could be playing Strip-ality.”

Cullen blushed to the roots of his hair. “That was unfair, I was more drunk than you.” He’d lost so many matches, he’d nearly been totally stripped, if Evie hadn’t stepped in to save his dignity at the party.

“More beer?”

“Sure.”

**Author's Note:**

> Random drabble much.


End file.
